What I Was Looking For: Part Four

Posted on 01.02.2012

I need to go back in time to give more insight on my search for what I was looking for then and still look for now.

I started my serious search years ago when I figured out for sure that I needed something every day of my life, every minute of my life, or I would not make it. I wanted to figure out what it would take for me to function as a mother, wife and physician, friend, daughter, sister and whatever else I am. I wanted to know what it would take for me to not just survive in these roles, but how to maybe, thrive, if possible.

You see, I had made it through medical school and residency with my faith fully intact and really, I only made it because of my faith in God—I would not have survived any of those years without Him. But, life was going to be different now that I was no longer a professional student. I was thrust into a different world, having started a new chapter in my life. My career training had been completed and I was back in my hometown again.

So, with a new schedule and a new chapter in my life and a desire to “make it” in life, I needed to start getting up early in the morning, seven days a week—first at 5:00 a.m., then I moved it to 4:00 a.m., because that was the only time that I could be guaranteed to be alone. Our daughter and my husband would be sound asleep those hours. During that time in my life, I began experiencing a searching and refreshed love for God that was partly fueled by my Women’s Bible Study group. I wanted to know Him more.

I began a serious, desperate and determined pursuit of what He wanted to say to me—through His Word and through my prayer time. I was so very excited to wake up in the morning just to meet with Him. My stomach felt jittery from excitement. I ran to my special place in the living room, where I would get on my knees and pray, sing songs of worship, read my Bible and just talk with Him. Day after day after day.

In time, interesting things started to happen and I slowly began to discover what I believe now to be the first principle of becoming a follower of Christ: Wanting Him. Wanting a personal relationship with Him. Wanting an intimate relationship with the Person of all persons. Getting to know Him. I realize now that when I decided to seek after Him, I found everything I was looking for. I found everything that I wanted. I found out things about me that I did not want to know and I saw that God wanted to help me with myself. I found wisdom and I gained knowledge. I am so thankful that He wants to be found by me still. I am thankful that the search does not get old, but that each day it is a new and fresh search.

In conclusion, I was looking then and I am looking now, forever for Him. As we go on this journey together, I hope that my music will inspire you to search for Him always. If you start to search, I can pretty much guarantee you that you will find Him and that you will be rewarded in ways that you never thought possible.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking it will be easy.